Locked In

I haven't paid attention to the dates, all the holidays passed without my notice. I've lost contact with any family and lost hope with finding Robbie. I don't care where he is. I tried to clear my mind, tried to tell myself that this badness would pass. I decided to take a walk around the town, telling myself that everything could be logically explained. But as I walked..the birds. The crows, the damned crows began to perch themselves on the houses and telephones wires. They sat wherever they chose and followed me. I made my way safely back home, but I hear them migrating outside. They've been cawing for hours nonstop, it won't be long until they start to try to get inside. I'll have to clean them off my windows, but it is apparent it won't be long now..I can't get outside. I hate birds, how I ever liked them in the first place remains a mystery to me.

Waiting

Robbie hasn't returned.
No notes, no phone calls, he's moved on. His old residence is abandoned, I have no other contacts for him. I know he left..I know he hasn't been...been....hurt. He took his puppets, all of them, before leaving.
I can't say I blame him for leaving..he is probably terrified of what he saw. Even I still..still don't know..
But I'm alone now. I doubt anything Alice has posted recently is of any help to me. I doubt everything, now. I'm too afraid to go outside anymore. To afraid to walk past the mirrors, too afraid I might see Him. Or whatever He is. Too afraid that I may again wake up covered in blood, only I will dying.
Still..there has been no sign of Him since then. Perhaps he is happy with the prize he took last time, perhaps he is happy with the dreams I have that consist of nothing more than crying. Endless wails of a child..a baby.
I wish I could run away, like Robbie did.
But I know there's no where I can run.

Blood

There was blood everywhere..so much blood. It covered the floors and the walls, it created a path leading to the mirror in the bathroom. So much blood, so much blood. I don't know what happened, I felt no pain...just blood. Just blood everywhere, I don't know what to do, or if there..there is anything I can do. So much blood..and an emptiness inside...where has Robbie gone..

:.

Sickend

I am sorry for the lack of updates since the 6th...I've been so sick since then. I find it almost impossible to leave my bed most of the day, let alone stand to walk and update the blog. It is a miracle that I am able to post this today. Nothing new has occured...Alice remains the same. She refuses to speak to me, even as I lie here in pain. Robbie is worried for me, sometimes he is even frightened of me, it seems. He says I don't look right, even though he wants to help me, I know he is just afraid of me. Whatever this sickness is...the effort it takes to walk sends the room spiraling. More than once I have glanced at a window or mirror only to think I saw a figure there. There's nothing there, nothing ever is. I feel so weak, so heavy...I want to ask if Robbie has seen this figure too.
We all know who he is, and if Alice is allowed to tell Andreas, why can't I tell Robbie? Only I doubt his mind will be able to handle it. I haven't seen any of his puppets lately, maybe he thinks I'm not well enough to see them. I worry for him. I don't want him sucked up into this. Whatever 'this' is. This sickness, this paranoia, these Schizophrenic rumors and whispers. Nothing of it makes any sense to me, does anyone make sense of it?
I just want to sleep now, the light from the computer hurts my eyes.

The Five Orange Pips

.Alice has gone too far this time. Either her mental degeneration or her sadistic psychopathic humor has driven her to this point, I can't say which. I don't know what to think, or what to say to her. It does not matter what I say to her anyway, does it? She'll simply reply with some other, worse, entry after a period of unexplained dormancy. I used to fear for her health, but now I see she must be doing fine. If she can waste her time playing these games, tormenting me..destroying any trust I tried to hold for her, how 'sick' can she be? Robbie doesn't understand what is wrong. He never read Sherlock Holmes, he would not be able to grasp them...and yet I find myself shaking over the references made to a fictional story. I know the reference Alice is trying to make, making me believe that soon my time will be up. I do not know what she wants me to believe with those other things. The masks and the phrase written on the bottom of the fourth page can only be assumed to be another branch of her insanity. The nameless K.K's must be her idea of a crossover, bringing in the works of her beloved Kafka in order to show her superiority over my emotions.I can't allow this, it's only a story. Only a myth. Nothing of this is real. It's all just an image locked in her brain, something that is eating away at her and destroying her. She brings me into it in order to calm herself and prevent the delusion from becoming worse. I know this is true, it has to be true....it wouldn't have been hard for her to figure out a Sherlock Holmes story in which to irritate me with. My blog's name alone is a reference to him, and so certainly this is only a psychotic episode on her part, and nothing more. But then I begin to think of all the things that have been happening to me. The burns, the sickness, the death, and the dreams. So much of it only occurred after her episodes. I fear her disease disorder is spreading.....and it has wrapped itself around me without my knowledge. I hope it claims no more because of my entries, but it is much too late to stop this now. I know Alice is reading this. She has to be stopped. Her game has to end. She's reduced me to tears and Robbie into fear. He doesn't know what to do, and neither do I.

Wiped Away

The things I discovered in Pennsylvania had opened more answers than questions. Robbie and I arrived in Pennsylvania late Monday, and headed to the area of town on Tuesday. Everything was gone; the houses were obliterated. They were crushed to tiny pieces, some of them even showed signs of being on fire. There was no one around, no one with Robbie and myself, no survivors. The whole community was exterminated by this storm. I wanted to find my relatives' bodies, but Robbie wouldn't let me. He insisted that everything was okay, and that we should go back home. I should have known better than to bring him, he's not used to such tragedies and perhaps seeing everything traumatized him. Maybe he was even sent into a state of shock, I was unable to convince him to look further into what had happened. I don't know if any other surrounding areas were affected, or if there were any survivors. I don't know what happened to anyone, and the more I try to search up the storm, the less information there is to be found.

Therefore, I have come to a conclusion, upon my return home, that everyone seems to be in denial; they are ignoring that this neighborhood was wiped off the face of the earth by some force. Even Robbie may be lying, maybe they all cannot accept the loss of so many lives from an extraordinary source. Or, it could be much worse. They could all be slowly turning against me, lying to me on purpose. I shouldn't jump to such conclusions, there is no reason for Robbie to turn against me. There couldn't be...even though I once believed the same with Alice. Maybe there is no one I can trust.

Emergency

I have been focused on other things since my last entry, trying to do anything at all to both make sense of what has been going on or to ignore them. I had been doing well with the exception of the lingering nausea that has been following me. However I received some terrible news about my relatives in Pennsylvania. A storm had come far enough inland to obliterate not just their houses, but the whole neighborhood and surrounding area. Trees were uprooted, houses crushed, and power lines knocked over. I don't know what has happened to my relatives, and I haven't been able to contact any of my family in order to know what to do. I have decided then to go to Pennsylvania by plane, and for the moment to abandon my studies. I have to bring Robbie along with me on this trip, I feel bad to take him away from his puppets, but it feels so terrible to alone. I have no one else to rely on now. Alice refuses to do anything except sit back and laugh at my attempts to contact her. She lets me toy around in whatever she sets up for me without offering any explanation. I am starting to hate her.

Finding Connections

I called some of my old family relatives who live in Western Pennsylvania. I felt the need to contact them, even though I have not spoke to them for years. I was unable to stay focused on any of the normal subjects, I grew bored with anything they brought up. They must have sensed my disinterest, as they asked me what was wrong. Without thinking I began to ask them about the strange symbol that has been appearing recently; the circle with the bird shaped object within it. They said that they saw the symbol once, carved on a tree near where 'Charlie No Face''s ghost often appeared. After mentioning him, they began to tell how stories about him had begun to resurface, and how he has appeared more often in the past year.
I knew that name; Alice had mentioned him before, and to think both the symbol, Charlie, and The Tall Man might be related is easy enough to guess. How or why they are related I can't say at the moment. I haven't been feeling very good as of late, and school has only divided my time between studying and feeling nauseous most of the day.

Response

I received an e-mail from Alice today, the first one in months. I was hoping maybe her e-mail would be something important, as it was titled 'Answer'. The only answer I got, however, was this image;

The text next to the fish is a poem. When I held it up to a mirror, it read as:
'Silly little miss Mary,
Took a load she can't carry
Up, up the crooked, uncanny hill,
Tumbling down, down-would not,
could not be still!
Into the forest she swirled,
Over a stone, down, down a steep slope,
over a thing of steel-
Right into the water, she hurled!
Oh, no fish to reel!'

It seems to be about me, obviously. I do not know what it means really, although it is some sort of..warning. I do not understand the significance of the fish, of what it means..and that symbol. I know I have seen that symbol before, both in things I have posted, and in things Alice has posted. I don't know what Alice is trying to tell me except that it can't be very good. Perhaps she continues to relate this somehow to that Slenderman, and part of me wishes to believe her.

Recovery

The past few days I have been trying to recover from..from whatever it was that occurred last week. I was able to have the burns treated at the hospital even though I could provide no reason as to how they occurred. The doctors had no idea either; they could not speculate on what caused the burns, and I refused to let them involve the police. Nothing they had done in the past was of any help, and I doubt even with their support would anything be discovered. I have made a good enough recovery in order to walk, but my legs still shake and collapse occasionally. As for what I saw in my..vision, shall I call it-I can make no comment. It is obvious what happened to Brian happened to the children, but otherwise..I am lost.

I can only guess that the number five had something to do with the fifth building, but what the importance of the number was I am unsure. I cannot think of the experience as doing so only reminds me of the horrible images of the children, and a feeling of dread spreads over me. It will be impossible to forget the things I saw-it causes me so much pain to think back on it. Robbie has been trying to keep me calm, and to soothe the remnants of the pain in my legs. I am thankful I can at least talk to him, if Alice refuses to speak.

5

Something terrible happened last night. I don't know how to explain how or why, but I was in the middle of the forest. It was like a dream with everything laced in a fog, and the terrible smell of rotting flesh filled the air. It disturbed me, and I tried to run and escape from the scene as it unfolded before me, but my legs wouldn't work. They stung with more pain than I have ever experienced; I couldn't even stand up. By this time the fog was beginning to become easier to see through. As it cleared I began to see the source of the horrible smell of rotting flesh. The bodies of the children were staked high up in the trees, but as I looked up at their faces...none of them were in any pain. The remains of their faces showed only smiles and looks of absolute happiness. I can't describe them any more than that, but I wish I had never seen them. I can't tell you how much it saddens me to see such a fate befall them.

But it wasn't over..before me stood four structures that must have been long forgotten. I don't know why they existed, but the more I stared the more a sense of dread came over me. I couldn't look away from them, and even though I wanted to run from this place, I instead dragged myself forward. I crawled toward the four structures, until I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I looked down to find myself in the middle of the charred remains...of the fifth house.
The number five, is this what it means?
In my hand was a sharp shard of glass, and others like it were embedded in the dirt around me. Why was I here to see these horrible things? What was the importance of the burnt shelter, what had I done to be brought here? I received no answers to these questions. Only the terrible sense of dread lingered, and I swear..I swear I was being watched.
I wondered if this truly was a dream, and maybe the children were actually alive. Alive with their hearts impaled, blind to their terrible fate. I never want to see them again, I never want to think of that place again. I realized that the fog had now closed in around me, I could no longer the see trees and their victims. I felt more like I was being watched the less I was able to actually see.
And then I woke up, it just had to be a dream.
Only the burns on my legs say otherwise.

Understanding Alice

I am growing more and more worried about Alice every day. Anyone who has been reading her entries can see it; her psychotic states are growing worse and worse. With only being able to contact her through the internet, there is so little I can do. She avoids my e-mails, which are the only way I can try to follow her moods. I don't know what is triggering her psychotic episodes, or why they are occurring so often and so violently. Sometimes they can be triggered by mood; usually you simply do not hallucination continually. But with her entries growing worse and worse, I fear her schizophrenia will simply start to destroy her in other ways. The disorder can lead to many other disorders, and without help she could lose touch with everyone and everything around her.

The fact she has kept a job and kept up with the activities with the bird club are a miracle, but I doubt they will last. I hope if she can't trust me, she will be able to trust someone-such as Andreas. I don't know what else I can do then sit and wait, and hope that maybe she will learn to understand that I am trying to help her. I know it can become hard for her to understand things, and the longer she goes untreated the worse it will become. She won't be able to make decisions or even make use of the information given to her. I know she used to take medication, but it doesn't seem to be helping her anymore. I don't even know if she still tries to take it, or if she has decided to go untreated.

Her ways are also becoming much more confusing and disorganized. The videos she has posted, and the hidden picture are examples of this. I suspect they were supposed to be messages for me. Messages that I can't understand because I don't know where her head is. I fear she will begin to believe the delusion of that man. That Slender Man, Tall Man, or the Tailor-whatever she chooses to call him. I fear she may be trying to prove his existence, and her disorder only helps to prove it. She has already had enough of an effect on me with the number five. I have been trying to see any and all relations with the number five and my life; nothing fits. The number five has nothing to do with me directly, and yet I cannot think of anything but the number. Robbie has been trying to keep my mind off of it, he has been trying to keep me away from Alice so that I do not worry about her. But I do worry; I wish to understand what she is trying to tell me. I wish to know what is going on so that I can help her and get her to talk to me once more. If understanding what the five has to do is the key to that, then I must stop at nothing in order to figure it out.

Of Happiness

I am sorry for the lack of updates recently, but with Robbie's sickness and the other occurrences going on I have been distracted. I am happy to report that Robbie is back to normal, and with him in good health I will be able to try and focus on everything else. Nothing has come up yet about the children who went missing at the Daycare, which only unsettles me.
Alice has also remained silent to any of my inquiries on how she has been feeling and if she has been getting along alright. I am worried for her. Even worse, since finding out the hidden picture in the picture she posted, I have been unable to get the number five out of my head. What it means and what its significance is I do not know. Nothing that comes to my mind makes any sense. It is almost as if Alice is toying with me.
On a much lighter note however, I saw a bird today. The first bird I've seen since the owl attack, and it was a welcome sight. It was too far away for me to identify what sort of bird it was, but it fills me with such joy to see the return of the birds to this area. It's much more tranquil and calm with the feathered flocks flying about.

Closing of the Day Care

Today I noticed an article in the local newspaper about the Day Care center I used to work at. I hadn't been paying much attention to it after I left it, but the news had caught my eye. The article was a small one, but it informed me that the center was shut down. It didn't go out of business, nor did the lack of staff cause it to be closed. Instead, the police were forced to shut it down because more and more children had gone missing since Brian. I tried checking which children had gone missing, but to no avail. The police had kept everything quiet which was why the article seemed so hidden. No other information could be found on what happened to the children, or if anyone had any idea who did it. If it is anything like what happened to Brian.....then I have some sort of idea where their bodies will turn up, but I hope I am wrong. As for Robbie, I have yet to tell him about the article. He's feeling much better than before, but I don't want to worry him.

The Answer

I was recently e-mailed by someone, informing me what exactly Alice's entry 'Look Inside' meant. I was told to do one of the following;
1. Save the picture without changing its format.
2. Extract it using a program like Winrar; there is another picture hidden within the original.
---
1. Save the picture without changing format.
2. Right click > Open with > Choose default program.
3. Select Winrar, and open the image.

The result you get is this..disturbing image.

It is a picture of a man I've seen before. Alice has described him many, many times. On his shoulder is a bird, but what really caught my attention was the number in the corner. The number 5, it seems familiar to me, like a dream I cannot quite remember.

A Bit of a Distraction

I have been quiet here mainly because Robbie is feeling ill. He has been coughing almost continually, along with a horrible headache. It doesn't seem to be much worse than an allergic reaction due to the season, but it still has been taking up my time. He's extremely fatigued because of the coughing, and so I have not been able to focus on trying to go into the forest. Alice's picture posting, however, still stays on my mind. Her e-mails are very unresponsive, almost like she's simply waiting for me to see some second meaning to her image. All I hope is that she's not taking everything too far. Her state of mind has not become better since her discovery of that entry, and I fear that she is simply taking it to drastic measures due to her hallucinations. As for trying to go into the forest, I won't bring it up again to Robbie until he's feeling a little better. Hopefully he will be well in a few days, and he will be more up to the idea.

Translation

I was able to find someone to translate Alice's discovery, and it is much more clear than the Google version. Sadly, with it translated, I only fear for Alice's psyche more. The text of the entry is disturbing enough on its own, and I know it could not have helped Alice at all to have found it.



[...] if there had been something then they would not have returned, so it was just an illusion, a phantom which their worn out heads, their poor minds, had created. Why then is it, that mine and their days are so long, so filled with fear, this because of something that does not exist?
But I feel compelled to write this down, for there are signs that He truly exists. I admit this only because we, me and the men, have had similar dreams – all unique, apart from a few details, these details that makes us walk around on edge. He has a white, empty face, completely without eyes or mouth or nose. Several meters tall. More than two. Three, four, five… sometimes ten. Sometimes with more than two arms, sometimes with what one of the men describes as “tentacles”. He always wears black clothes. But even beyond the dreams He has appeared.
To me He came with a black cylinder on his bald head. I walked on the path on my way to the village after having been on a short walk, and there He stood on the top of the hill. Even if His face were naked, I could make out that He was looking out over the forest. He had noticed me, but it took a while before He would give me a look (I have just described how He doesn’t have any eyes, but how else am I supposed to describe it…?), and when He finally did it I had enough time to wish that He had continued to stare out over the forest as I fell backwards while the world grew dark. All the while I heard a ringing in my ear.
Soon enough I awoke in my home. My uncle had come walking down the road – I never asked him if he had seen the same man on the hill, he does not know anything about this, and I will keep him and as many others as possible away from this – when he saw me lie unconscious on the gravel. He said that he had inspected me, to make sure that I hadn’t been hurt, but according to him I was as fit as a fiddle. I gave him a bad excuse, said that I had worked too much recently, and he bought it.
But not everyone have the same luck as I. One of us have lost his life, two are gone. Before they disappeared, Erik began to slowly loose his ability to write and instead began to write down codes, and above all else he preferred to communicate through Morse code. He wrote down the codes or knocked in whatever he had to knock on. I still remember what he said one day when I sat in the outhouse. “The trees are coming, the trees are coming, trees, trees, they are coming, trees are coming.” He kept on like this for several minutes, and I had to hurry up in order to stop him from hitting the wall and bloodying his fist.
Karl tells me that the codes are the only way in which they can communicate in. I wondered why, and he said that they had gone mad. I understand that, we all understand that.
Yet I am confused.

Concerning Alice

Alice's behavior is becoming increasingly alarming these last few days. As her posts have been showing, she has lapsed into talking only in third person, and I would like to note that she always stays in third person. Most of our contact is through e-mail, and even though she understands everything I write to her, she insists on staying in third person. This makes conversing with her increasingly difficult, as well as making sure she is not falling into any other harms. A first person account of something being wrong is a lot easier to understand than a vague retelling in third. I'm becoming very concerned, as staying in third person isn't healthy nor easy to maintain.

If Alice was joking, she would have made a slip up long ago, but instead she's locked in this way of talking. I have never heard of Schizophrenia causing this to happen, let alone many other mental illnesses in general. Something is wrong and I'm unable to come up with an answer in order to help my friend. Looking over both my posts and Alice's, I know very well I'm partly to blame for driving her into this madness. I know she understands what I'm writing here, so I'll say it; I'm sorry I acted like I did. Being unable to be in any closer contact with her other than through the internet makes it extremely hard for me to moderate what exactly is going on with her. The best I can do is wait and hope, but it is hard to wait and watch for any improvement.

Postponed

The last few days I have been trying to gather up the needed things in order to venture into the forest. I haven't been looking forward to it, I can honestly say. Still, I need to find whatever answers are in the forest, if any. There has to be a logical explanation as to why I lost my memory, but in order for me to find the reason, I'd need a witness. If I lost my memory again, I'd need someone to at least tell me what happened. No one is better suited for this than Robbie, but he refuses to venture into the forest again. He says he doesn't want the owls to come and hurt me again, and the fact I don't remember what happened is a good enough reason to stay out. For now, then, I am forced to stay out of the forest or risk going in alone and not making any progress. I do not know if Robbie will ever want to go into the forest, but I know eventually we may need too. I only hope that we don't wait too long and everything returns to normal without an answer.

Research on Memory

In order to explain what could have happened to my brain during the two weeks of my absence, I've been running through more details on how the brain works with memory, and how that can be interrupted. Basically, memory works following this pattern;

Sensory Memory > Short Term Memory > Long Term Memory

Most of the time we don't encode or remember all of our sensory memory, which consists of what we see, hear, smell etc. Depending on how important that memory is, or if we take steps in order to store the memory, it can be put into short term memory or long term. The more emotional a memory it is, the easier it is to remember. If what happened to me was traumatic, it should have easily been stored in my Long Term Memory, and if that is so-why can't I retrieve this information?

I have no disorders that would have caused me to forget everything, even though nothing was physically done to my head, which would support that something developed or occurred during those two weeks. This makes me believe I had some sort of amnesia, more specifically a form of Retrograde Amnesia. Whatever happened in the forest distressed me to the point my brain wishes to avoid it. Perhaps the stress of this event caused my mood change, as I did not forget any information about myself, I do not have a more severe disorder. I tried to ask Robbie how I looked or acted when I came home, but he could provide no information, either. The only thing he could remember was that the days I had vanished were foggy, not just in the morning but through most of the day. After I came home, the birds had vanished, and they still remain absent. Something terrible had happened to me, or I had witnessed something terrible occurring. What distresses me more is that the event was not psychically harming me. Whatever happened destroyed me emotionally and mentally, which makes it harder to determine its source. I need to know what it was, I can't simply believe that two weeks of my life being gone is normal.

My conclusion leads me to think that in order to help me remember what I had forgotten, I will have to go back to the forest. This time with Robbie, and I have to try to recreate the night I had left. It is drastic, and I hardly feel safe doing so, but I will have to do something. I'm not going to venture into the forest until I am sure I can come out with answers; not more questions. I'll have to run the idea past Robbie, but I'm sure he will be up for it. If nothing else he'll be able to defend me from any of the owls that decide to appear. I am afraid I can't explain why they appeared as I can with what happened to my memory.

Contemplation

I have been so very troubled, looking over the last month's posts-I mean both Alice's posts and my own-and the drastic change occurred that I just..don't understand. My posts are full of hostility, and anger, while Alice's Schizophrenia becomes more and more severe. I don't know what caused my anger, even when I think back through the month, nothing about me was different. I had no headaches, no other injury other than the owls attacking me. The only parts I have no memory on are the two weeks I was searching for Roc. I remember walking through the forest, I remember hearing the birds and other normal sounds, but how could I have been wandering in a forest for two weeks? It is impossible. Robbie tells me about how he worried he was when I was missing, so I know I could not have come home without knowing. If something had happened to me, I would have remembered. The human brain simply doesn't just forget things, especially traumatic things, unless some injury occurs. No scars were on me after I arrived home, nothing until the owl attack. If I did suffer from some sort of amnesia, what could have caused it? Memory doesn't just blank out, and it's concerning me that something in my own head has gone awry. My personality change only supports this, and no doubt it has had a negative effect on Alice. I'm just as confused as she is, simply without the severity of her disorder. I'll have to spend more time looking into what could have possibly caused this, maybe by doing so I'll be able to help both myself and Alice.

The Cage Stands Alone

It's been so long since I've come home to look at the joyful Roc in her cage. It isn't the same without hearing her chirps in the evening, and no amount of Robbie and his puppets are going to replace Roc's company. No puppet is going to fly like a bird can, and certainly they make less of a noise. I haven't even had the heart to take down Roc's cage, it still stands empty, just as she left it. I walked past it every day, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she'll return again. Why would she vanish like this? It confuses me so much, and the fact there is no explanation is worse than her vanishing in the first place. Robbie tries his best, but all I do is miss her more and more every day. I have to forget about her, just as I did Brian. I left the day care without a fuss in order to help move on from him, and now that lingering cage has to follow. The silence of the birds around here has begun to unsettle me, and the scars I have from the owl attack have no explanation. I haven't seen the owls since the attack, I haven't seen any birds since then, and neither has Robbie. I don't dare go into the forest again, I have a feeling it wants me to leave it alone. Everything has no explanation, and the more things that happen the less I can make of it. Without Roc, it's even harder for me get by.

An Explanation

I've mostly recovered from the run-in with the owls, even though I'm still covered in scars. I asked Robbie what happened, and he told me little that I didn't already know. He said that the owls started to land in the trees near us while we were walking. Not long after all of the owls had gathered, they started to hoot before they swarmed me. They didn't attack Robbie, even when he interfered to shoo them away, they were focused on attacking me. I never knew owls to gather in this area, and never before sundown. I don't know why these horrible things took it upon themselves to attack me. No other birds were around, it seems like every other bird has vanished from this area. Robbie also said he did not recognize the owls at all, and I don't know where they could have come from. I'm at a loss about all these crazy things happening, and I'm growing more and more annoyed over it all. Robbie doesn't know how to take this situation seriously besides making sure I'm okay, and I'm tired of it.

Swarmed

...I don't know what happened. I don't know what caused it, but owls swarmed and attacked me. One moment I was walking with Robbie in the woods when I heard their constant hooting, and the next moment my vision was blinded by feathers and talons, and I was knocked to the ground. I don't remember what else happened...but I woke up at home covered in these horrible scratches. They still sting now, but Robbie is looking after me, I think I will be okay.

Utter Silence

Since being fired from my job at the day care, the birds have stayed silent. Usually by this time of year they start uttering those ghastly words all hours of the morning, evening, and whenever they get a chance. Instead, the mornings only welcome me with a fog that lasts until my classes end. I once thought that their 'singing' was calming, but I do not know why I did. If anything is worse than their singing, however, it has to be their muteness. Everything seems so dead without their ludicrous songs, even Robbie (who never notices anything) has agreed with me. It is hard to sleep knowing I won't get such a wonderful wake up call from them in the morning.

Psychopathy

Since meeting Alice, I have been focusing mainly on Schizophrenia and other Psychotic Disorders. Recently though, I've humored myself with looking up various other disorders. I found out another disorder may be a possibility in her condition-Psychopathy.

Before I go much further, I would like to point out that none of this is definitive. I can't conduct, nor prove anything about anyone's condition without being there in person-and certainly not without more education in the subject. Worth mentioning also, is that Psychopathy is often used or confused with Antisocial Personality Disorder, but the two are not exactly the same. I will be focusing only on the symptoms, and comparing them with Alice's personality.

Need of Stimulation/Prone to Boredom- Perhaps not totally true, but hasn't she written in the past how boring and dull everything is?
Shallow Emotional Response- Not responding or interpreting the emotions around her easily.
Manipulative- That 'joke' with the bird skeleton; trying to act like the skeleton was that of Roc. Manipulating the thoughts and emotions of myself.
Parasitic Lifestyle- Her inability, almost, to survive during the few days I was gone. To feed off my support.
Lack of Long Term Goals- I do not think Alice has any goals in mind.
Poor Behavioral Controls- As seen in some of her journal entries.
Lack of Empathy- Again illustrated with the bird skeleton, but also with her reaction to me losing my job.
Impulsive- I believe she thinks or acts without much, if any, planning.
Failure to Accept Responsibility for Own Actions- Perhaps not totally true, but she has not accepted or asked for forgiveness of all of her actions.

Not all of Alice's doings and reactions are psychopathic, and many other of the symptoms of psychopathy do not fit Alice exactly. I do not say she is just a psychopath, but I must point out the possibility she may be both schizophrenic and psychopathic. The correlation is not accepted as common, but that does not mean it can't exist.

Last Day

I was asked to resign at work today, or more or less I walked in to find that I had lost my job entirely. They had grown tired of my absences, so it seems. None of the children were sad to see me leave, and I can't say I felt sorry to go. Another day surrounded by their noise and Robbie's puppets would have been too much. To think that a day care full of growing children feels no sympathy for the recovering employee! I won't try to get my job back, but at least I will have more time to catch up on my studies. It is so very silent now without the noises of a bird to brighten my day, and it even the wild birds have stopped singing. Robbie said-in between his chronic apologies and puppet displays distracting me from schoolwork-that it was abnormal for them to be so quiet this time of year.

Complications

I spent my day attempting to explain to Robbie what happened while I was gone. He was both shocked and happy to see me, while I wished he would have left me alone. With my return, he's become more of a nuisance, asking me what happened, or what's wrong when I yell at him for his constant pestering. He told me how much he missed me while I was gone, and he acts like I might suddenly vanish again if he leaves me alone. Even worse, he tried to make me 'feel better' by showing me the puppets he's made recently. As cute and creative as his puppets are, I found them all the more disturbing. A grown man shouldn't be spending his days making puppets, not as obsessively as he is. I couldn't take it when he showed me some new string puppet he created, so I decided in order to prove a point, to rip the strings off of it. I guess I left him to think about what he's done, although I'm sure he'll be back tomorrow, as always, trying to make amends for what happened today.

I'm Happy They Took You Away

Remember when I ran away
And you got on your knees and begged me
Not to leave because you'd go berserk? Well...
You thought you had me fooled
But I just left you anyhow, because
I knew you were already out of your mind! And...

I'm happy they took you away, ha ha
I'm happy they took you away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha
To the funny farm
Where life's hysterical all the time
And you'll be sorry I sent those nice, young
Men in their clean, white coats
And I'm happy they took you away, HA-HAAA!

I thought that you were nuts and so I laughed
I laughed when you had said
That losing me would make you flip your lid. Right?
It's true, I laughed, you heared me laugh
I laughed, I laughed and laughed
And then I left, because I know you're utterly mad! And...

I'm happy they took you away, ha ha
I'm happy they took you away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha
To the happy home
With tree and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And I'm happy they took you away, HA-HAAA!

You burned my food, you wrecked my house
And this is how I've paid you back
For all your cruel, unloving selfish deeds! Nyeh!
They've got you now and you'll get just
What you deserve for calling me a mutt,
You mangy man!
And...

I'm happy they took you away, ha ha
I'm happy they took you away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha
To the funny farm
Where life's hysterical all the time
And you'll be sorry I sent those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And I'm happy they took you away, HA-HAAA!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And I'm happy they took you away, HA-HAAA!

To the funny farm
Where life's hysterical all the time
And you'll be sorry I sent those nice, young men
In their clean white coats
And I'm happy they took you away, HA-HAAA!

Searching

I arrived home from work, and everything was quiet. Usually, Roc greets me when I come home, but today she was silent. I went to her cage only to find it was completely empty. The cage was not disturbed, the only thing missing was my beloved Roc. I would have called the police, but I know they can't be trusted. I am taking matters into my own hands, I am going off to search for her in the forest. If Roc escaped by her own means, I know that is where she will be. If I still cannot find her, I will look around town tomorrow. Robbie isn't coming with me, but I've asked him to keep an eye out for Roc, just in case she happens to find her way home. Wish me luck, I will get to the bottom of this, for Roc's sake.

A Strange Letter

Before I left for class this morning, I noticed an envelope just inside my door. It was unmarked; no stamp, no sender, no address. The envelope was sealed, and when I opened it, the letter inside was even stranger. The envelope looked modern, as if it had never been used before, but the letter was old. I was able to scan the letter when I came home today;

If you can't read it, it says:
Mary,
Run, child, run as fast as you can.

It then is signed with only that strange mark, which reminds me of a bird. I don't know who sent it, but whoever did sent it directly to me, actually taking the time to hand deliver it. As for the message, all I can tell is it is a sort of warning, but I am unsure as to what. If I am the 'child', what is it I am running from? And..the hand writing. It seemed child-like, but also seems..different, somehow. I don't think a child wrote this. It is all very perplexing.

Songbird

Robbie told me today after work that he had found the perfect song for me, something as a 'gift' I guess you could call it. I never heard the song before now, and it's just so sweet of him to have found this song for me. I decided, due to it's title and that Robbie was so excited about it, to share it.
:-)

Dreaming

I woke up today from a very strange dream. It has been a long time since I have had any dream at all, which is why I find it of interest. The dream itself was simple enough, I was standing in the middle of a road, and on either side of me were lines of telephone poles. Sitting crowded together on the wires of these poles were hundreds upon hundreds of birds, I think they may have been crows. I began to walk down the street, and as I did the birds began to watch me, their heads following wherever I went. I continued to walk down the street, when suddenly I came to the end, or at least I couldn't walk any further. I turned around, and watched as all of the crows on the wire suddenly began to melt off of the wires, becoming black pools.
The dream unsettled me greatly at first; I remember I spent the morning making sure Roc and Robbie were alright, which they were. I spent most of my day wondering about the dream, why I just suddenly had a dream about melting crows. I decided to look some things up about the dream, I doubt they mean much, but it can't hurt to try.


-Melting, although I couldn't find anything specific, means that I am trying to let go or release negative emotions over a situation.
-Crows, as can be expected, represent death.
-The dead end I reached on the road may mean I've come to the end of something, and that I need to move on and work on something else.
-The fact that the crows 'melt' or 'die' means that I'm trying to get over something, or am over it.
(Source: http://www.dreammoods.com/)
Looking over those 'facts' probably means that...I'm trying to let go of Brian's death and the pain it caused me, trying to forget about him. I think that's mostly accurate, if only by chance. It is strange, really, but I think I've greatly gotten over his death, especially since this dream. I don't remember thinking about him as I usually do at the day care. Maybe I have moved on.

Return

Both Robbie and I survived being questioned by the police. Compared to the last time I was questioned, the atmosphere was much more negative. They asked me questions that pointed toward me being not just 'a' suspect, but the only suspect. If it were not for the fact Robbie's story and my own were exactly the same on what I was doing when Brian died, I probably would have been arrested. Their sudden hostility is just so...unexpected. Why have they taken so long to move along in their investigation? It makes me believe they just don't know what's going on. All they wish to do is point their finger at someone, mainly me. In the end though, the police let both Robbie and myself go. They don't trust me, and I doubt if anything happens in the future I won't be able to count on them. I feel like I have to be more cautious, even though I've done nothing wrong. I feel like I'm guilty of something, perhaps guilty of being so ignorant in how Brian died?

Summons

The police called today to inform me that they need to bring me in for questioning. Not long after they had called then did Robbie inform me that he, too, had received such a call. No doubt it is because of Brian's death that we're being questioned, and even though I have nothing to fear, I'm quite worried. The last time they had questioned me all I learned from it was that the police had collected a strange recording with my name, and to think they took almost two months to actually look into Brian's murder...it concerns me greatly. Nonetheless, Robbie and I will be questioned on Sunday, if anything happens I'll be sure to mention it.

St. Valentine's Day

As the title suggests, today is St. Valentine's Day. For the most part, it was a normal day, I woke up in the morning and discovered an odd message written on my bathroom's mirror. It was written in red, and when I left to go take a picture of it, the message had vanished. The message consisted of  "Kind war tot", but I don't remember the whole thing, and nor do I know what it meant. Because it vanished, though, maybe I was just half asleep and only thought it was there. After work I spent the evening with Robbie, I had baked him a cake in honor of Valentine's day, which he heartily enjoyed. He bought me a small box chocolates which were just delightful. Robbie is just so sweet and made my evening. <3

Neverland

I wasn't able to find anything interesting to read, or at least I couldn't bring myself to read anything at the library. Robbie tried to get me to read some things on puppets, but I found myself rereading Peter Pan. It makes me a little bit better, reading about the adventures of a boy that never grew up. At least with Brian's passing, he'll still be a child. He'll always be remembered as one, and never have to go through growing up, and that's a good thing isn't it? Robbie sure thought so when I talked to him about it, but I guess a puppeteer can never truly grow up. I think next week will be a little bit happier, I can't linger on Brian's death forever. Maybe..I'll try reading to the children again. They really liked that.

Not the Same

It's been ten days since I started going back to work, and even with Robbie with me I find it hard to enjoy the job like I used to. The children are still friendly with me, but I just can't be the same with them. No one questions what happened to Brian, and none of them act strange around me. I just can't try to get close to any of them again, I'm afraid if I do they'll just end up dead like Brian...it's a terrible feeling. Robbie's been putting on puppet shows almost weekly at the daycare, I think it's mainly to keep me happy or distracted. I dread that the other employees will start to realize how unenthusiastic I am and ask me to resign. But..it is better to have me working than to have me moping around the house all day, I think.  Maybe I'll try to go research something tomorrow, and maybe Robbie will come with me.

Back to Work

I started going back to work yesterday, and before I left today I decided that it would be best to let you all know. Robbie has been coming with me to work, mainly to volunteer and keep me company. Also, Alice and I have been talking about the occurrences of Brian's Card and her picture appearing. I'm still not taking any of it well, but...I'm getting better. We can't think of a logical explanation, and it just unsettles me that someone, somehow is trying to drag Alice into this..

A Walk in Wonderland

Robbie decided it would be best to take me on a walk today. He says I've been getting worse and worse since Brian's death, and that a walk in the forest would do me some good. It had snowed not too long ago, and the birds were almost nonexistent, but Robbie insisted on taking some pictures. I thought I would post them.

 I don't know what made Robbie take this picture, I think he only wanted to make me feel better. At least the sound of the water was nice.

...The cemetery where Brian was buried in. I didn't want to post the picture of his headstone, as I still think it would be an invasion of his privacy.  I should have brought flowers to put on his grave.

 This picture is so unnaturally dark, I don't know why. It must be something in Robbie's camera.

In Memory of Brian

Today was Brian's funeral. I didn't speak or say anything about him and nor did I stay long because I wasn't family, but I still couldn't bring myself to go to work. The day care understands, but I'll have to head back soon. His death wasn't related to them this time, so my off time is only allowed at so much...I came home and found myself reading an old book of mine. 'Peter Pan', more specifically, 'Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens'. It made me feel better, until I came toward the end of the book. I'll share it with you, it made me think of Brian so much...

"But he still has a vague memory that he was a human once, and it makes him especially kind to the houseswallows when they visit the island, for houseswallows are the spirits of little children who have died. They always build in the eaves of the houses where they lived when they were humans, and sometimes they try to fly at a nursery window, and that is why Peter loves them the best of all the birds."

I'm not sure exactly what a house swallow is, I only get pictures of the barn swallows. Still, if I ever see one I'll be sure to take its picture. For Brian's sake....